i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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