Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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