You smell like a Billy Joel song
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
