I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
