Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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