dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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