Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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