Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize