If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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