Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
