You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
