So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
