so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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