I met the friendliest cop last night
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
