Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize