So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
