you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
