so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you traded sex for a burrito?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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