We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
