Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
