did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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