We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
