You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
