I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
