She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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