Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
