Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
