...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
