Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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