why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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