Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
