Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Randomize
