They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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