yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
