Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
