Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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