Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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