i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
