Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
