i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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