Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Randomize
