hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
