I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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