Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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