i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
