Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
