So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
