Where did you get a picture of my penis
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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