i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
