I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
