My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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