I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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