oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
