Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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