a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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