I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
being pregnant is like rehab
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Drunk is not a location!
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
