how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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