Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
