i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
