maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize