just come out here and I will go home with you...
i can't believe i had my finger in that
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
