our cab driver is having phone sex.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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