My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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