I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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